Simple Ways to Practice Self Forgiveness

[Self Forgiveness is a powerful practice that can help you to find inner healing and peace. Discover simple ways to start practicing self forgiveness today.]

Hi there, Mama. Have you ever found yourself holding a grudge? Forgiveness can be a challenging practice, but it is one that can help us find inner peace and healing.

On this episode of the Sole Care Mom podcast, I’m chatting with LaWann Moses, the creator of More Than a Mom Podcast about why forgiveness is important and how to practice self forgiveness. It is a beautiful and powerful conversation.

If you are ready to find freedom and forgiveness, you are not going to want to miss this episode.

You can also listen to this conversation on iTunes or your preferred podcast platform.

[Disclaimer: we are not health professionals. This chat is solely based on research and personal experience. If you have any concerns please seek out the help of your trusted health professionals.]

[Please Note: This post may contain affiliate links. This means that Soul Care Mom may receive a small commission if you click through and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you. Please see disclaimers for more information.]

Hi there, Soulful Mama. Welcome to the Soul Care Mom Podcast. I’m Catherine Wilde of soulcaremom.com.

I’m a mom of three amazing kids, a Soul Care Mom Coach, and a yoga and meditation teacher.

I’ve helped hundreds of women and I’m here to help you feel calm and find your unshakable confidence as a mom.

If you’re ready to stop living in survival mode and you’re ready to drop the mom guilt and overwhelm this podcast is for you.

Think of this as a lunch date with a girlfriend. Grab a cup of tea and get cozy. It’s time to get honest and vulnerable and shift the traditional mindset around motherhood.

Be sure to subscribe to be the first to know when new episodes are released.

Get ready to grow and feel empowered as a mom. I’m here for you, Mama. Let’s get started.

Catherine Wilde

Hi, LaWann. Thank you so much for joining me today.

LaWann Moses

Hi, Catherine. How are you? I’m so glad I could be here today.

LaWann Moses

Yes.

Why Forgiveness Is Important

Catherine Wilde

I’m so excited to talk with you. And you’ve shared a little bit of your journey with me, and you’ve been on quite a journey. Would you mind sharing some of that with us and how forgiveness has played a part in your life?

LaWann Moses

Yes. So I will go back real quick to come forward. To give you kind of like the full picture.

LaWann Moses

I had my son when I was 18 years old. I was a teen mom. And with becoming a teen mom, there are all kinds of challenges that kind of present itself. With stereotypes and statistics and just things that come along with that.

That really kind of launched me into a depression state. So I was really kind of down, depressed, didn’t see my way out. I really just had a time navigating and dealing with all of that.

LaWann Moses

And it was through an experience that I had where I fall asleep on my couch and I had plans to commit suicide. I dropped my son off at daycare. I felt like my life was just over.

I dropped my son off at daycare with plans to commit suicide. I fell asleep on the couch and in that sleep, my son came to me in my dream and he was like, “Mommy, don’t go. I need you.”

Now, at this time, my son was only two years old, so he couldn’t verbalize that.

LaWann Moses

But that was what happened in my dream. And when I popped up and looked around I know I was in the apartment all alone. But I know at that time it was some type of divine intervention. It was God kind of speaking to me, saying, “Okay, you may not know what your greater purpose is, but this is not your end. You need to figure out a way out of this.”

So from that situation that I went and got therapy, got treated for my depression, and really developed this mindset to be kind of determined to succeed, determined for success, and really let nothing stand in my way.

LaWann Moses

So that started way back. My son is 20 now. So I’ll give you an idea of how old I am. But that started way back then. And then just through the course of life and through the course of life experiences with relationship issues, with family issues, with so many things that happened to me.

Becoming and being a mother, then having another child when I was a little bit older, getting married, things that happened in relationships. And I really reached a point, I will say in 2013. I reached a point where I was really feeling bitter, burnt out, not depressed, but really, like, angry and miserable.

LaWann Moses

And I noticed it was having an effect on my kids and so many things were happening. And it was at that time that I realized that I need to do something different. I am stuck with all these things that kind of happened to me.

And because I was stuck in that moment with things that happened to me, I wasn’t able to move forward. I wasn’t able to live. I was holding on to a lot of unforgiveness, a lot of bitterness, a lot of just being miserable.

LaWann Moses

And it was at that time that I realized that I needed to start finding a way to forgive those around me. But not only forgive those around me but forgive myself, which played a big role in that because I was this honor student in high school.

And as I sit back and relate all this, I was this honor student in high school, plans to go to all these different colleges and all that stopped because I got pregnant right when I was about to graduate. And so it’s a lot of self forgiveness.

LaWann Moses

I was mad at myself for a lot of things with how my life turned out. So I really had to embark on kind of this forgiveness journey if I wanted to move forward and do anything with my life.

So I really just started kind of different forgiveness practices, looking at myself, realizing where I needed to forgive, because a lot of times we don’t understand that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves and not other people, and we want to look at people and expect them to apologize to us.

LaWann Moses

But we have to realize that a lot of times number one people don’t realize that they owe us an apology. Or number two if they do, they’re not going to apologize.

So it’s hard to do that active forgiveness when it’s not being reciprocated from someone else. So that really kind of just helped me to really reframe my mindset and just continue to grow and go over the years. And that is just kind of the basis of how forgiveness began to play a role in my life.

Catherine Wilde

Wow.

What Is Self Forgiveness?

Catherine Wilde

Thank you for sharing that. I’m sure you are not alone. And a lot of what you went through and just hearing your story it helps people that are feeling alone in it. So thank you for sharing all of that. And I really am excited to talk about the topic of forgiveness with you. So you’ve touched on it.

So what exactly is forgiveness if it’s not always just getting sorry from someone else? And why is it important that we practice self forgiveness?

LaWann Moses

Forgiveness is really coming to peace. I describe forgiveness as peace because when you’re walking around and you’re holding on to things that perhaps others have done to you, you have done to yourself, then you really can’t be content.

And you really can’t find that peace because you’re constantly thinking about the past. Being triggered by the past. Worrying about the past. That it’s really keeping you stuck in that circle. So a lot of people just don’t realize that when it comes to forgiveness, it’s something you’re doing for yourself because unforgiveness will keep you stuck where you don’t want to be.

LaWann Moses

And a lot of times it’s like, oh, “you owe me an apology. You did me wrong. You should apologize to me.” But if that person is not going to give you an apology, if they don’t feel that they’ve done something wrong. Or if they’re just a behind-hole of a person, I’ll say. They’re just not a very good person, then they may do those things on purpose.

So you really give away your power the longer you stay in that state of not forgiving. So that’s why it’s important to really dig to that basis and say, okay, what am I feeling?

LaWann Moses

Why am I feeling this way?

What has happened to me that has caused me to feel this way?

And then what do I need to do about it?

Learning How To Forgive

LaWann Moses

So a lot of times we’ll find, like, the trauma or the things that are done to us or the things that we have done to ourselves, cause these triggers in us as we live. Cause us to be in this state of bitterness, be in this state of being miserable.

And it’s like if we’re not unpacking that trauma, unpacking, that bitterness get into the root of everything, then we’ll be stuck.

LaWann Moses

And it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to get us unstuck. And I think that’s where a lot of times we get caught up because we want to put it on someone else, not realizing that the power is within us to forgive and really take the next steps to move forward.

Freedom in Forgiveness

Catherine Wilde

Yes, I love your perspective. And there are a few quotes that I remember. You know how you have those AHA moments when you read something. But they help me to see forgiveness in that new light.

One of my favorite quotes is from Oprah, and she says, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. It’s accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

And the other one that I really loved was “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” And that’s by Lewis B. Smedes.

Catherine Wilde

But those are some of the ones that help me see, like, “oh, I have the power within me. I’m the one holding on to the past, and I have the power to heal and let go and move forward.”

And I know sometimes it can sound like, oh, but it’s the other person that did this thing, but really, it is pretty empowering and freeing to know that you can do something about it. You can do the healing without the other person, without anything else. That’s a really beautiful and freeing perspective.

LaWann Moses

Yes, it is.

Mom Guilt and Self Forgiveness

Catherine Wilde

Okay. So let’s talk more about self forgiveness and mom guilt. As Moms, we often feel guilty for pursuing things that we love because we feel that if we went after our dreams, we wouldn’t be good moms.

Or we’re hard on ourselves and feel guilty for any little mistake that we made and we feel we made. And I feel like self forgiveness is such a powerful and healing practice for us as moms. Can you share any insights you have around that and how we can begin to let go of the guilt and begin the journey of self forgiveness?

LaWann Moses

Sure. So I would say that with mom guilt, we are so hard on ourselves as mothers. We really have these unrealistic expectations that we kind of set for ourselves.

When we become responsible for little human beings that grow into bigger human beings we take on the weight of doing everything, being everything, making sure that they are their best.

And we just put so much weight on our backs as mothers. And we set these standards. We set these expectations, which in the grand scheme of things, nobody can be everywhere all the time.

LaWann Moses

Nobody can do everything all the time. But yet in our mind, as moms, we feel that we can and we should. And if we don’t, then we feel guilty.

So I always like to tell people that I believe that mom guilt is a lie in itself. Because it’s things that we tell ourselves because as people, as mothers, as women, we always tend to look at kind of the negative side of things and the things that we don’t do.

And we focus so much on those things that we don’t do that we really discount and don’t give ourselves credit for the things that we actually do.

LaWann Moses

So if our kids come to us, as an example, they want to sing a song, read a book, play a game for the thousandth time. We may tell them “no,” and in that moment, we tell them no. We feel like horrible human beings because we said “no”.

But we completely discount the 100 times that we said “yes.” And I always like to throw that as a comparison, because so often we focus on the negative, and so often we focus on the “no”.

And we start to beat ourselves up. We beat ourselves down. We feel like we’re failing. And we just pack this stuff on and tell ourselves that when nobody else is telling us that.

So I feel the way that ties into self forgiveness is that first, we have to realize that, we’re not superheros. As much as we want to say, we’re superwomen or we’re supermoms.

That can have a positive and a negative connotation to it. But we’re not superheroes. We don’t have these packs on our back that we can put on and just power up and go.

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Learning to Forgive Yourself

LaWann Moses

So when we really take that weight off and tell ourselves, “okay, I’m human. It’s okay to be human.” That’s why I feel self forgiveness comes in when we’re accepting ourselves for who we are. And say, “I’m sorry for putting that weight on you. I’m sorry for putting that pressure on you. I’m sorry for making you feel you have to live up to these expectations.”

Because once we start to apologize to ourselves and reconcile, it kind of within ourselves that we’re humans, just like everyone else. We have needs like everyone else. We’re not going to be there all the time to do everything.

And it’s okay to say “no,” preserve ourselves, and do some of the things that we love and enjoy. When we reconcile that in ourselves, then we kind of start to let the guilt go. It doesn’t mean that it’s not going to be there.

LaWann Moses

It’s not going to pop up in the back of our mind, because as much as I talk about mom guilt, there are still times that I do experience that mom guilt, but it’s recognizing when it creeps up and then having the tools or the messages to kind of combat that negative self talk.

So when you’re telling yourself, “I feel like I’m failing.” It’s like, “No, you’re not failing. You just have every right to feel as you do at this moment.”

You may not be having a good mom moment, so to speak, or you may be upset about something. People get upset, humans get upset, and it’s okay. So I feel like when we start to take these expectations standards and we lower them, take that pressure off ourselves and apologize to ourselves for being so hard on ourselves. That’s when we really can start to find that freedom through the forgiveness and also that freedom from mom guilt.

Catherine Wilde

Yes. And it’s a really beautiful thing to model for our kids too, right? That we’re human and they can see us make mistakes and be human and feel our feelings and allow them to feel theirs. And go after our dreams and let them know that that’s okay for them too, right?

It gives them this permission and this model to look at to see like, oh, this is how I can live my life and enjoy it too and not be so hard on myself. I love that.

LaWann Moses

Yes. We’re definitely leading by example, and it’s a good example to set. And like I said, even with the good and the bad part. Where you have the good moments, you have the not so good moments.

You may be apologizing to your kids at times because you were a little short tempered. But we’re modeling human behavior, and we’re taking off that pressure from not only ourselves but from our kids to constantly feel like they have to fit this mold or be perfect or can’t make mistakes.

LaWann Moses

We’re showing that life happens. You can make mistakes. You will get through it. And then you can also tell people, “no,”.

You can reclaim your power. You can walk in your dreams and goals and your life relationship still go on. They’re not impacted.

Everyone is doing their own kind of thing, doing their own part, and we’re all empowering each other and growing together.

The Power Of Perseverance As A Mom

Catherine Wilde

That’s a beautiful message. I love it. So let’s talk about the power of perseverance. Everyone’s journey is different, but we all face challenges in one way or another, and it’s how we respond to those challenges that helped us to grow.

So you’ve persevered through many challenges in your life. What would you say to a mom that’s going through a tough time right now?

LaWann Moses

I would say the first thing is to breathe and realize that it’s going to be okay. Before we can take any steps, any tips, or anything like that, you have to take a few deep breaths and realize that it’s going to be okay.

This situation, whatever it is that you’re facing is only temporary. It may seem like it’s the end of the world. It may seem like it’s never going to end. But in the grand scheme of life, it’s a temporary hardship, as I like to call it, for a lifetime of blessings.

LaWann Moses

So whatever you’re going through, it’s temporary. It’s not the end. You just have to push through now. Ways that I tend to push through. I’m big on my faith, so I rely on my faith a lot.

But ways that I kind of push through is realizing that life is going to happen. I can’t control everything that happens in life, but I can control my reaction to it. And a lot of it is switching your mindset up and changing the way you look at situations.

So when I used to encounter problems, when I used to encounter hardships, I would get so caught up in the problem, the hardship and be worrying about how it’s going to turn out, worrying about the outcome, I would become essentially obsessed with it, that I would lose sight of everything else.

LaWann Moses

And that’s when I started realizing, okay, these problems come up or these hardships come up when I’m on a good roll when I’m taking a good step. And maybe I’m just being distracted by what this problem is.

So sometimes our problems are distractions meant to throw us off course from our goals. But then, on the other hand, a lot of times our problems come because there are lessons that we need to learn. And that is one thing I have learned in my whole perseverance journey.

LaWann Moses

Being resilient, just keep going and keep pushing is that a lot of times there are lessons that we need to learn from these hardships that we encounter, and oftentimes we see the same situations happen because we don’t learn the lesson that we need to learn.

So I’ve adapted this kind of thing that experiences life’s greatest teacher. So when I’m encountering a hardship, when I’m encountering a problem, yes, I do still feel emotions. I feel bad. I go through those same things, but I don’t get stuck on that emotion.

So it may be a shock to me at first. It may hurt me whatever it is, but I’m not focused on the problem at hand. I’m focused on, okay, what is the lesson I need to learn in this? What is the solution? I need to learn to this and how can we get out of this moment?

LaWann Moses

So it’s really starting when you’re starting to persevere. It’s about seeing that I can get through this. I have been through something before. And that’s why I say experience is life’s greatest teacher because you start to realize that you’ve made it through things before.

And if I made it through this before then, when this next challenge comes up, I’m going to make it through this also. It may look different, but I know I have the skills to get through it.

So that is where perseverance comes in, and it has a lot of being resilient and just hanging in there. And also, one of my favorite words is buoyancy, just bouncing back. Recognizing like, the ball, it’s going to bounce back. Whatever happens that you may be down, but you’re going to bounce back.

LaWann Moses

And if you keep those skills that resiliency that buoyancy, just keeping that at the forefront and keep pushing. It’s not to say it won’t be hard, but you’ll keep your mindset focused on the solution, on the insight so that you’re not caught up in the mess that is happening to you right now.

Catherine Wilde

I love that. And buoyancy. That’s a great word. Yes, I love those practices that you shared. I think when we’re in the messy middle of something. It’s hard to see our way out. And it’s usually not something we planned, so we don’t know the blessings that can come from it.

But there’s usually a bigger plan for us. So when we can see the growth that we can find from it and look at it from a different perspective, instead of seeing the problem, seeing what gifts might be coming from this.

Catherine Wilde

And sometimes it’s easier to look at the past and other things that have happened where you can see like, oh, that was a hard time, but I’m better for it. And here are the beautiful things in my life that came from that.

LaWann Moses

Yeah.

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How To Be Productive and Find Time for Self Care as a Mom

Catherine Wilde

So I love that you shared that.

Okay. So let’s talk a little bit about productivity. As a mom, there’s always so much to do. The list is never-ending, and there are only 24 hours in a day.

And I know so many moms struggle with this. And it’s so important for us to find a balance between our needs, taking care of ourselves, our responsibilities as moms, and everything else that we do.

So I know you have great tips on this. What strategies can you share with us that will help us to prioritize ourselves and also maximize our productivity and manage our time more efficiently as moms?

LaWann Moses

I am all about productivity, and that really comes from a place of when I didn’t prioritize myself or have a schedule. I was always busy, busy, busy.

And that’s what I used. I’m busy. I’m busy. I can’t do this. I can’t do that. But then it comes to the point where you realize that being busy is not always being productive. So the first thing that I like to tell people is to cancel that kind of busy culture. Being busy is not a badge of honor to wear it.

LaWann Moses

A lot of us, I think we feel walking around with that attitude that if I say I’m busy, it’s like this badge of honor. But busyness is just going to keep you tired, and it’s going to keep you running in the same circles. So the first thing I would say is kind of take a step back. One of the things I like to do is a lifestyle inventory. And I do this with a plate with my clients. So I take a plate and I call it, “What’s on your plate?”

And on this plate, we write down everything that we have going on in all the areas of our lives. So work, career, business, home, family, activities, ministry, whatever it is you’re involved in. Write down everything that you’re involved in.

And when you do this, you’re going to see that this plate, you can do it on the paper plate. Or if you want to write it on paper, you can go on paper, too. You’re going to see that it’s a big mess because you’re doing so many things, and a lot of us don’t realize how many things that we’re doing.

LaWann Moses

So the first thing is you have to get a handle on all the things you’re doing. So looking at this plate, it’s no wonder you’re busy. No wonder you’re not being productive because you have so many things on there.

So it’s a matter of looking at, “what do I have to be doing on this plate?”

“What is a non-negotiable?” There are some things that are non-negotiable. You have to feed your kids, you have to work business, whatever it is, you got to make some money. There are certain things on there that is not negotiable. So they have to stay.

LaWann Moses

But then there are other things like if your kids are in ten activities do they have to be in all ten activities? If you are involved in 15 committees do you have to be in 15 committees? And do you have to lead up five of them?

There are certain things that we can cut back on so that we’re not so busy so that we are having time for those things that we love, those things that we enjoy.

So really getting a handle on those things that are on our plate, cutting back some of those activities, saying “no” to people, which is where we struggle because we don’t like to say no to people as moms as women. We don’t like saying “no,” but yet we tell ourselves “no” all the time, but we don’t want to tell other people “no.”

LaWann Moses

So instead of thinking of it as telling other people “no,” think of it as saying “yes” to yourself. So those are really like the first two steps that you can take. Then from there, you really want to prioritize yourself.

Now I say this because when you prioritize yourself, you’re able to show up as your best self in all areas. A lot of times we don’t want to put ourselves on our to-do list. We want to be at the bottom of the list if we’re on there at all and we want to put everybody and everything above us.

LaWann Moses

But speaking from experience that’s going to leave you burnt out, miserable, and resentful. And that is not where we want to be.

In order to be productive, you have to prioritize yourself because you are the vessel. You are the person that is showing up. If you’re on empty, if you’re depleted, if you’re miserable, then you’re not going to be good to anyone around you. So you really have to show up prioritize yourself.

LaWann Moses

Make yourself a priority so that you can show up as your best self in all areas. And from there, it’s all about setting priorities and setting boundaries, which are things that we don’t like to do, because with boundaries, maybe they’re harsh. We don’t want to put them in place. Maybe people won’t respect them. But it’s up to us to realize that we can put boundaries around our time. We can put boundaries around things that we will and we won’t accept.

And not only put those boundaries there but also honor them and live in them. And that’s a whole other speech for itself. Because a lot of times we’ll set these boundaries, but then they’re flimsy and wishy washy, and we don’t want to enforce them.

But our boundaries are only as strong as we make them. And with priority setting, it’s about stop trying to multitask, stop trying to do all these things at the same time. Really get some daily priorities. Perhaps I like to do three a day. Maybe three big things a day that you can knock out in a day. Instead of focusing on that big to-do list.

LaWann Moses

And you’ll find that when you focus on those three things and do those three things, you’re kind of more productive over time and you’re knocking things off of your to-do list, you’re accomplishing your dreams and goals because you are taking that time to be intentional and focus on the things you love and enjoy.

Catherine Wilde

I love that. Yes. Typically, what I do is I have three big things for the day, and it helps you to, like you said, feel more accomplished.

And it makes my heart so happy that you spoke to self care because I think that is a key, like you said, to be the best version of yourself in all the areas of your life, including motherhood.

So self care is so important. And I would love to know what are some of your favorite ways to practice self care?

LaWann Moses

Yes. I love self care because I was a person that didn’t used to take care of myself. One of my favorite self care activities. Believe it or not, I tell people is doing nothing.

Now some people call it relaxing. They’re like, “so you relax?” I’m like, “no.” Because when I say relaxing, that sounds like I’m doing something. So if I say “do nothing,” then in my mind, I’m shutting down and I’m doing nothing. There’s no activity, there’s no action. It’s just doing nothing.

So being able to decompress at the end of the day, perhaps quiet time alone time, which I’m grateful that I can get now that my kids are a little bit older. When they were younger, they probably didn’t leave me alone as much.

But now they tend to leave me alone more. Because they are in those teenage years and adult years. But yeah, so doing nothing and then having that quiet time alone are my two top things.

But then I also like from having a very stressful day a lot going on. I like taking walks, getting that fresh air, just kind of walking around, listening to music, reading a book.

LaWann Moses

I am really one of those low-key kind of people. So I get re-energized being by myself. I know a lot of people sometimes get re-energized around other people, but I’m the one that I need to shut everything down, be by myself, so I can recharge. And then I can be ready to handle the next situation or move on to the next task.

So those are my favorite things. And it really took me a long time, especially with this doing nothing and being alone. That is where a lot of mom guilt crept in. I would say things like, “how can I do nothing? How can I be alone? I have these kids to take care of.”

But you learn that you don’t have to be there 24/7, and it is perfectly okay to take time to take care of yourself.

Catherine Wilde

Absolutely. Yes. Alone time recharges me too. I totally understand you there. Those are great self care practices.

And so you have been on this incredible journey. You have overcome so many challenges. If you could go back in time and share your wisdom with your younger self, what would you say to her?

LaWann Moses

That’s a great question. I would tell my younger self to slow down and I say that since I became a teen mom. I would tell my younger self to slow down. That adulthood is nothing to rush to. You have the rest of your life to be an adult.

And really enjoy the moments of being young, being carefree, having no responsibilities. There’s no rush to grow up because once you grow up, you’re an adult for the rest of your life.

Catherine Wilde

That’s beautiful advice. And I think so many of us could benefit from that hearing that even now, just slowing down.

Thank you so much for this conversation. Let us know where we can find you LaWann.

LaWann Moses

Yes, you can find me online. I hang out a lot on Instagram @LaWannMoses. Then you can also find my podcast More Than A Mother Podcast on all major podcasting platforms. Then my website is lawannmosess.com

Catherine Wilde

Oh, awesome. And I will include those in the show notes so everyone can find you.

Are there any last pieces of wisdom that you’d like to share with us?

LaWann Moses

Just say thank you for having me here today. And just remember to really take care of yourself. If you heard nothing else I said today, walk away with prioritizing yourself and taking care of yourself. Because at your soul at your core, if you aren’t feeling good on the inside, then you’re really not going to be any good to anyone else.

Catherine Wilde

Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story and all of your wisdom with us today.

Thanks for joining me, Mama. I’m over here smiling from ear to ear and giving you a big virtual hug.

I love spending this time with you. You are amazing for showing up and carving out this space to nourish your soul. If you are loving the Soul Care Mom Podcast, sure to subscribe and leave a review.

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Sending you so much love, Mama.

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