[Does it feel like every time you find a good rhythm with your kids, things change? Motherhood is always evolving. Here’s how you can navigate the seasons of motherhood with more ease.]
No matter which season of motherhood you are currently in, there are shifts and changes that we experience and grief can come up for us. Grief is not something that we often talk about, but grief can show up in many ways on the motherhood journey.
Today on the Soul Care Mom Podcast, I talk with Shawna Emerick, a yoga instructor, Thai body worker, and life coach, about the seasons of motherhood, the way grief can come up, and some gentle grief coping skills that will help you navigate grief through all the seasons of motherhood so you can create a relationship of self compassion and be a present mother.
You can also listen to this conversation on iTunes, Spotify, or your preferred podcast platform.
[Disclaimer: The information shared is from personal experiences and/or research. We’re not medical professionals. We share in hopes that it will help you tap into new insights and inspire you. Everything shared is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for medical advice. Always seek the guidance of a trusted health professional for your unique journey.]
[Please Note: This post may contain affiliate links. This means that Soul Care Mom may receive a small commission if you click through and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you. Please see disclaimers for more information.]
Hi there, Soulful Mama.
Welcome to the Soul Care Mom Podcast. I’m Catherine Wilde of soulcaremom.com. I’m a mom of three amazing kids, a Soul Care Mom Coach, and a yoga and meditation teacher. I’ve helped hundreds of women, and I’m here to help you feel calm and find your unshakeable confidence as a mom.
If you’re ready to stop living in survival mode and you’re ready to drop the mom guilt and overwhelm, this podcast is for you. Think of this as a lunch date with a girlfriend. Grab a cup of tea and get cozy.
It’s time to get honest and vulnerable and shift the traditional mindset around motherhood. Be sure to subscribe to be the first to know when new episodes are released. Get ready to grow and feel empowered as a mom. I’m here for you, mama. Let’s get started.
Catherine Wilde
Hi, Shawna. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Shawna Emerick
Thank you, Catherine. So great to be with you.
How To Navigate The Seasons Of Motherhood
Catherine Wilde
I am so excited to talk with you. So when you came up with this idea for our topic today, it deeply resonated with me because it’s something that we all experience at various levels and forms.
And the topic I’m speaking of is grief. So whether we realize it or not, there’s lots of areas where we experience it. And so today, we’re going to talk about how it impacts our motherhood journey in the seasons of motherhood. But I’d love for you to share how this topic came to you and a bit about your journey and your family.
Shawna Emerick
Yeah. Well, thank you for this invitation to share a little. And again, thanks for having me on here. It’s such an honor. So we were giggling before this how it came in the shower originally. But even before that, because all good wisdom happens in the shower or on the toilet, it feels like an important topic. And the reason why and the precursor to having that realization in the shower is because I’ve had dear soul sister friends who are mothers themselves.
And these two that I’m thinking of in my head right now who I can remember being in a circle with after a yoga class that I taught. We just had this heart to heart. And where I was, I believe I was pregnant with my first child, but they were telling me how they were being so supportive of really honoring and giving space for grieving. So actually it was just after I had him and I probably came back to the studio to teach after some leave of absence.
That felt really profound to hear somebody say, and to also hear mothers say, it’s okay to take time to grieve a complete change of life, to grieve a lifestyle you were used to, to grieve loss of perhaps a perspective, parts of yourself. And ultimately, who we are stays intact. That’s not lost.
But I can’t leave on lickety split and be like, Yeah, let’s go hang out. There has to be a little bit more thought nowadays. And now my children are seven and three.
Grief Coping Skills
Sometimes the word grief or grief doesn’t always come up, but I do know that when I talked to new mothers and I was just having a conversation the other day with a new mom whose young child is eight months old and at least naming the space that it’s okay, that it’s okay to cry for whatever reason, whether it’s grieving or just emotions or joy, and that all of that is okay.
So I have two children, but I have a rainbow baby. My daughter is a rainbow baby because in between the two, and I wholeheartedly believe that this is something that… So I had a miscarriage in between the two, and that was unexpected. I didn’t show any signs of anything happening, and I went to my first appointment, I thought I was 11 weeks along and not finding a heartbeat.
So miscarriage, and it took me a long time to grieve. It took me a long time until I felt okay to talk about it. And then when I did, I was completely surprised that within my circle of friends and circle of women that this was so common. And and various scenarios with it. And I simultaneously felt so much gratitude and relief. I’m not alone. And also, why don’t we talk about it? So after I gave myself grieving time to be okay, and how would I be okay to talk about it? And am I okay?
And I got to the point where I wanted to because I didn’t want any of the other person to go through that feeling like they couldn’t talk about it. If talking would help them heal. I didn’t want any other person to feel alone because it can be very isolating. And there’s so many things that come up when I remember feeling like, what’s wrong with my body? Is this my fault?
And no, it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done differently. With grief, there’s things that can feel really heavy. So thanks for letting me share that.
Catherine Wilde
Thank you for sharing that. I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m so thankful for your courage to share because I’m sure you felt alone. I’m sure moms listening to this. They’re like, Thank you. And just as you started this, you said that just hearing other moms share that it was okay to grieve in whatever way for whatever reason, giving you that permission and knowing that that’s an okay thing.
Because before I became a mom, I never thought of grief as anything other than grieving for the loss of life. And that’s such an important grieving process. But there are so many things that we can allow ourselves to grieve, to let go of, to move through the change that we’re experiencing like you were sharing.
There’s the loss of a child. There’s things that can come up of our divorce or caring for aging parents. And in the grief that we can experience as we like you were saying, are connecting with ourselves as we move into motherhood. And then each time our child goes through a different phase, right?
When they first smile, when they first start to walk, when they go to school, when you know all of the things because there is a push and pull that’s happening, right? When they do go to school, you’re like, Wow, you’re excited for them. There’s this excited, but then there’s also this, Oh, my gosh, my baby. And so it’s okay to allow yourself to feel all these things.
Shawna Emerick
Yeah. I’m so thankful for that piece right there, that share from you because I’ve gotten tears in my eyes. And we have the capacity to hold space for all of these things within ourselves. And we can have those emotions that are opposite ends at the same time. I had to peel feel myself away from my son’s preschool when he started, literally, because I had free WiFi, I would leave the building and just sit on the bench because it was just part time for three hours, two days a week.
And for those three hours, I would sit on the bench until finally my husband was like, You know you can go home. It’s okay. He is caring hands, but grieving that loss of like, But it’s not me taking care of him right now. So then I have to completely trust. And that’s a letting go. And in a way, that’s like, maybe grief, but also just loss. It feels like a loss of control. It feels like I really have to step into trust and surrender. And that reminds me of what I’ve said since before I even had children was we were engaged, and I was always on the fence of having children or not.
And I don’t know if any other person has had this feeling, but I just wanted the experience of being pregnant and birthing. But the idea of taking care of somebody for the rest of their life sounded really daunting. So I was like, I don’t know. But then my husband asked, Okay, let’s imagine our selves, we’re 70 or 80 years old looking back on a chosen childless life. Do you think you’d have any regret? And immediately I knew. I was like, Yeah, I think I would.
He was fully supportive when I said, Okay, well, after we’re married, let’s just open ourselves up to the universe. If it happens, great. If not, we will make decisions later as things transpire and time goes on. What I would always say is I really imagine parenting and mothering as this huge continual act of letting go and letting go and letting go. You give birth and they’re no longer in you. You know, a babysitter, school.
This is the first summer my sons had a summer day camp experience. And recently, my three year old was another letting go because I used part time daycare. That makes me think of so many other things, like why I chose to do daycare so I could also then the both and, right of supporting myself and my passions and my work and being grateful for all of those things, heart tugging choices even that can be if you have those choices. But the constant letting go because I actually try not to think yet of them leaving the house.
Catherine Wilde
One at a time when.
Shawna Emerick
You do one thing at a time. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s right.
Catherine Wilde
Yeah. It’s indescribable. There’s no words for… Nobody can really explain to you what you’re going to go through as a mom. It’s beautiful in so many ways, but that it is a continual letting go, trusting, just opening yourself up to this experience.
Okay, so if there is a mom that’s listening right now and she’s feeling lost in the grief. She’s never really let herself experience what we’re talking about, and she wants to start moving through it in a loving way. What would you say to her? Do you have any loving grief coping skills that she could start with her practice.
Shawna Emerick
Well, I love the word that you just used, which is moving and moving with it. However, you intuitively know what you need to support yourself for that. Listen to that intuition. So even before that, I would invite her to carve time, like a real half hour or whatever is possible and have the children, the child taken care of so you’re not worried and you don’t have to put your focus on that concern, are they okay?
So that you can have this time set aside for yourself. And then in that moment, maybe you do it multiple times because maybe that first moment is just like realizing realizing is pacing around actually and realizing I have 30 minutes. What do I do? And honestly, I have paced the whole 30 minutes. And then I’m like, okay, I got to go back. That was the time. And that’s okay because I’m so lost. I just don’t know what to do first. So you might need a second time.
Catherine Wilde
And just taking yourself that time is something to celebrate. That’s really beautiful act of self love just starting there.
Catherine Wilde
Yeah, totally. And it doesn’t have to be a half hour. If it’s multiple increments of five minutes, just a couple of times during the week. But I feel like that time is really space where you can connect with yourself and actually be able to hear what you’re feeling and actually give space for those feelings.
And then if it’s a cathartic cry, if it’s like, no, I’m going to take this 30 minutes and do some physical movement, and I’m just going to breathe and move my body, or whatever it is. And that’s where even before that, the time to figure out, what do I need? Sometimes we don’t even get that time to ask ourselves, What do I need?
So yeah, I would start there. I would say create time for yourself where there’s no distraction. People, your support system knows that this is for you and turn off all of the devices and everything and first listen inwards and feel into what you need and then allow yourself to keep feeling and keep feeling into it.
Catherine Wilde
You mentioned emotions and feeling, and it’s a big part of this. And sometimes we keep ourselves busy and we don’t let ourselves, like you’re saying, slow down and create this time for introspection, for seeing what we need, for letting ourselves feel through things.
A lot of times that’s what we’re taught, push it away if it’s uncomfortable. So what are your thoughts on emotions and grief and the seasons of motherhood? How can we honor our feelings. Through this process?
Shawna Emerick
Immediately, I feel like that’s a big, good question because there’s a whole spectrum of emotions and we can be feeling multiple at a time as we’ve talked about parenting and motherhood. And it’s difficult.
Immediately, I’m taken right back to when my first child was young, in those formative months, even formative year. But especially those first four months, like the fourth trimester, as it’s called. And it just did not feel possible for me that might resonate with some new moms. It just didn’t feel possible.
This will sound funny, but I’m so grateful for it. I’m not ashamed at all. But I couldn’t think sometimes. And so my husband put in each room above the light switch a schedule for the day, and he didn’t change it every day. It was just like a macro schedule level every day. This is what you do for you and for the baby. Okay, so sometimes when I didn’t even know what I needed to do next, I’d look and I could at least think back of like, okay, I did just change diaper. What’s the schedule stay next? And I’m like, Is it the sleep or is it feeding?
Catherine Wilde
I love that. And that makes me think of when my kids are not feeling well, I’m like, okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to rest. We’re going to drink water. We’re going to do all these things. We’re going to make soup. But when it’s my turn, when I’m sick, I’m like, What do I do? And they resonate with that fourth trimester as well. There’s a lot going on. You’re really tired. So giving yourself that guidance is really, really great.
Shawna Emerick
Yeah. And thinking of that fourth trimester, so many emotions are alive. I’m not like I’m putting my hand on my cheek because I had some of the hardest moments of my life. To be completely honest and vulnerable, there was one night where so exhausted, so many wakes up had already happened. I want to go back to sleep.
I could not have my son in the room with me when he was a baby because if he just breathed, I heard it and would wake up. And like, we were vigilant. It was completely different with my daughter. Completely different. We co slept. So different.
But I was so exhausted with him and the sleeplessness, and it was so emotionally draining. And I don’t know, I think it must have been 2 AM. I woke up. Sometimes it would alternate me and my husband, but I drug myself in and I picked him up and I found myself getting really angry, so angry.
Navigating The Emotions Of Motherhood
I feel it in my body right now, but I just wanted to grip and grr. And I had a really, it felt so bad. It felt so wrong. I’m your mom. I shouldn’t feel like I want to toss you out the window right now because I’m so tired and I’m so upset.
But that’s how I felt. And so to take care of myself and take care of that moment and take care of my child, what I did is I put him back in the crib and I went back to the room and I’m grateful that I have a partner that I have my husband who heard it in my voice and I said, You got to take over. I can’t do this right now because it’s just no. So that’s like that emotion.
And then with all those emotions and parenting, and then you wake up the next morning and sure, you’re still exhausted, but they open their eyes and they smile at you and you’re like, I am so sorry. I love you. You realize that it is. It’s emotion. It’s allowing ourself to feel all of that and just say, it’s okay. It’s normal. It’s so normal. And then you meet up with your mom, friends, and you talk about it, and you laugh because you’re like, oh, yeah, you did that too last night? Great. Good.
Catherine Wilde
Yes. Knowing that it’s okay to feel all your feelings. You’re saying there’s that guilt that can come up and talking about it with other moms is a really great way to realize that you’re not alone and that it’s normal and it’s okay.
What I found for myself is that my emotions are really great guidance system. When I’m feeling tired, being tired is really hard for so many of us, but that heightens a lot of things for us.
But that heightens a lot of things for us. So getting that rest that you need and then also giving yourself that space to listen in to see what your emotions are telling you so that you can come back into alignment with what you need.
And that actually really is a really great way to talk about self care because as moms, we often put that at the end of the list. It doesn’t seem that important it sounds selfish, but tying into the emotional part of it, noticing when things are off for you, your emotions are guiding you in that way and then allowing yourself to take care of those needs.
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Self Care & The Seasons Of Motherhood
Catherine Wilde
Can you share some of your favorite ways to practice self care and what your experience with self care has been on your journey?
Shawna Emerick
Yeah. And it’s still a work in progress, admittedly. And it’s seasonal. I live in New York, and we have the four natural nature seasons. But also with my husband being a teacher, it’s seasonal with school year, it’s let alone seasons of life. Taking sometimes what self care looks like is walking for the pickup to get the kids.
And sometimes I will choose not to listen to the podcast or try to talk into my phone and respond to a text or an email. And I’ll just make it a conscious, like a meditative walk almost, where maybe I don’t necessarily focus on the breath, but I just might ask myself that question, Okay, how am I feeling? What’s going on?
A self check in and what do I need might be a question. Typically innately, I know what I need, which is more time. So that’s the work in progress with the seasonal stuff is like for myself is, what’s that going to look like for this week, for the next coming weeks, for the summer versus school year, for my season of my work? And that’s from the nitty gritty out to the macro of self care for myself.
Catherine Wilde
Yeah. And I love that you talked about the seasons of everything but seasons of motherhood and self care because it can look different and not comparing ourselves to what somebody else is saying self care needs to look like.
But what does it look like for you right now? And it could be as simple as you’re saying, just being in nature, taking your walk, doing something that you’re already doing, but just being with yourself through that and just asking yourself, what do I need? That can be so dignifying. How often do we do that?
Our kids are always letting us know what they need and we’re asking, right. But how often do we do that for ourselves? That is such a beautiful act of self care and a really great opening to invite yourself to be a part of your own life and your own conversation.
Shawna Emerick
And I’m glad you said not to compare it to somebody else because what I might need and what might serve me best, I’ll say, might look completely different than what another friend of mine is doing and vice versa.
And that just was something that was a big hurdle for me to get over, not just on the self care level, but in the mothering level, all of the topics, feeding, sleeping, diapering, because that got emotional for me. I would think, well, maybe I need to do this or need to do that.
And then I would get overwhelmed and then I would feel bad. And that would cause great emotions of self doubt, being unsure as a mother, especially a first time mother. It is a little different when you have the second one, but still, things can come back up.
Catherine Wilde
Oh, yeah. And each child is so different, too. It’s trying to figure it out. But I love that you said we talked about how we feel like we’ve lost our way of life when we become what we’re used to as far as spontaneity and things like that.
And for me, there was also this I pictured, this is what mom life is going to look like. I’m going to do all of these things. Cloth diaper, whatever it is that it looks like in your head, whether you breast or bottle feed, whatever you decided in your head that it was going to look like, and it looks different. So allowing yourself to grieve that, too.
Shawna Emerick
I’m smiling because it’s like, give yourself grace. Because what I envisioned before actually having the live baby in front of me and experiencing what that meant, I was like, oh, if we have a child, I’m going to go backpacking in the Himalayas and I’m going to wear my baby on my back. Oh, we have not traveled. That way.
And that’s okay. And how it looks for you. And there’s even the seasons of our child children growing up and how I’ll still feel that feeling even with their different seasons of life as I’m supporting them and navigating and still having to make choices for them and wanting to listen to them.
And I love how emotions, as you said, can be a guiding force. And when we’re unsure, we can go back to that carved out time and we can notice what we’re feeling because I remember, again, back to the formative months, somebody said, Oh, you should do this. And I wasn’t sure. So I felt in words, and I was like, It doesn’t resonate.
I don’t think so. I also don’t think that because we can expand that this wisdom that we’re talking about to our whole family dynamic and include our children and include our partners, even include whoever we want to include that we trust to be like, because I remember asking my husband, What do you think?
Here’s how I feel. And what do you think? Because there’s certain decisions where if you have a partner, you want to be on the same page.
Catherine Wilde
Yeah. And so you shared so much of your beautiful journey. And something that I really love to ask just because of the wisdom that comes up with this question is if you could go back and share wisdom with your younger self, knowing what you know now, what would you share with her? What would you want her to know?
Shawna Emerick
The first thing, love your body no matter what. While you’re trying to conceive, if you’re trying to love your body. If you are pregnant, love your body and postpartum, no matter what your birth story and birth experience, keep loving your body. It has that wisdom. We feel the emotions there.
We can feel it in our body. And also just to literally take care of it. I really didn’t understand that until… I mean, I cognitively understood I should eat health full, et cetera, but coming from a dancer background and not really being completely loving to myself, I really started to understand just how incredible our bodies are, whether we birth a child or not, and how important it is to honor our physical as much as all the other layers of our being, be it the emotions or the spirit.
Catherine Wilde
Yeah, you’re so right. It’s this temple. It’s this beautiful thing that we get to move through this experience on Earth in. And so taking care of it, being really loving, not only a gift to yourself and your quality of life, but also a really great thing to model for our children, too.
Shawna Emerick
Yeah. I’m interested to say the same question to you you.
Catherine Wilde
Oh, my gosh. There’s so much. I think one thing that actually came up in this talk a lot is something that I would share with myself. Just give yourself grace because I think there were a lot of times where I was very hard on myself when what was called for was more grace because nobody has everything figured out. We’re all navigating this journey together.
Shawna Emerick
Yeah, I love that.
Catherine Wilde
Thank you so much for your honesty, your vulnerability, and sharing your wisdom with us today. I so enjoyed our talk. Will you let us know where we can find you online?
Shawna Emerick
Yeah, thank you. My website is my name, shawnaemerick.com, and I’m mostly on Instagram realm @shawnaemerick.
Catherine Wilde
Awesome. I’ll include those in the show notes.
Shawna Emerick
Thank you so much.
Catherine Wilde
Thank you so much for being with me today. I really, truly enjoyed and appreciate you.
Shawna Emerick
Yeah. Well, I’m so glad that I found you through Instagram, actually. Yes, that is how we met. And then I started following you. And then in your mighty networks, your soul centered mother platform and your book that has come out and I’m just grateful. I’m just grateful to have found you.
Catherine Wilde
I’m so grateful to have connected with you, too. Thank you, Shawna.
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